Day 59 (again)

Hi,

So I finally got my days confused it seems. I am impressed by how long I went without messing up. Unless I miss-titled another post… in which case, screw it.

Right now, I’m listening to Lazosaurus wimper and pout in his crib. He, like his sister, goes on nap strikes from time to time. Neither one ever manages to negotiate better conditions or more cookies, but they strike nonetheless.

I’d like to quit. Everything. I’ve been trying to forgive my mom, and it’s really hard. It’s hard and not fast, which makes it quitable in my mind. AND there’s the fact that once I get past this layer of emotional crap, there’s likely another one just waiting to be seen and felt and dealt with, too. It is a disgusting cycle.

I wish I could just lay in my bed and wimper, too, but I have to make soup and wipe booties and pretend that getting hit in the face by a 10 month old is fun.

Bye,
AM

Day 59

Hey guy,

So Joe’s posts are so much better than mine. And everyone’s always like “OMG he loves you sososo MUCH!!!!!” It’s true; he does. Sometimes he sucks at doing it, but you’ll get that with people. Actually, every post Joe’s written has made me cry. Whatevs.

Anyway, Dad, I really have been very tired the last… lifetime? I don’t know how long this particular “bout” has been going on, but it doesn’t feel like it’ll be relenting any time.

Did I talk about this already? I’m a really horrid blogger as I don’t feel like checking or linking, so I’m just going to talk about it again, possibly: Been really tired (like there’s a parasite sucking my life force from my skull kind of tired); think at least part of it is emotional (baggage from hating my mom for more than a decade); but I wonder how much is emotional– should I be trying to figure out a physical cause as well? I don’t know, man.

This is a real, nearly tangible reason that I want to meet you and at least get info from you: what if this is something hereditary? What if it’s something I could’ve been forewarned about? And could then tell my kids about it too? But what could that even be?

I don’t know. I’m pretty tired of being tired… sick of being sick… Taking Back Sunday?

See ya.
AM

Day 55

Dear Dad,

Do you think there’s ever been someone who didn’t know about a child but just knew they were missing one?  What?

Bye.

Day 52

Hey Dad,

I was thinking today, “Hey, why not do a Lent-type thing in addition to my irrevocable vow to blog everyday?”  So I think I will.  And I think it’s going to be something lame, like a prayer every day.  Although I did toy with the idea of giving up blogging for 40 days…

Yeah, I know:  not super creative or new, but whatever.  Why fix what ain’t broke?

So, what will I write a prayer about every day?  Probably different junk; but I want to try to focus on my familial relationships– you, my mom, my family, perhaps even my in-laws; my relationship with God.  I don’t know what I hope to gain out of this, but I’ve probably never intentionally prayed every day for more than a few days in a row.  I hate praying sometimes and think I suck at it.

Here’s hoping it doesn’t suck too bad!

AM

Day 51

Dear Dad,

Our mutual acquaintance, my mom, was over today was over today. And I was really struck by the fact that I do, in fact, love her. She is my mother after all, right?

I know that I’ve said a few vague (and maybe some not so vague) things about her to you about how she’s hurt me/scarred me/ruined my life; but I still love her. I don’t know if she’s read any of this blog (and, honestly, I hope not. For her sake.), but if she does, I want to say at least one time that I know that I love her. And I’m pretty sure she loves me; and, if not me, then definitely my kids.

I’ve been so mad at her for longer than I can remember. I think a compounding factor has always been that I love her– perhaps more than she does me; perhaps that’s the problem in its entirety. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive her for everything; to finally let go of each and every wrong she’s done against me. But, if I’m obnoxiously honest with myself, I think it hurts too much to try to let things come up and be forgiven; to remember and then say, “I forgive you.”

It’s a lot less painful in the short term to simply suppress. I know I can’t forever; I know it’s not healthy ultimately; I know, I know, I know. But damnit if I don’t want to!

It’s really weird all of a sudden to think that the only thing connecting us is my mom– this one small thread leading from you to me, me to you. That’s all there is between us: an acquaintance.

Bye,
AM

Day 50

Today, Dad, I share with you this video. I know it’s sort of a “55” type moment, but I thought today just seemed right for it.

Day 47

Dear Dad,

I think I’ll write you a real letter one day. I wonder what it’ll say? I know that I don’t want to know what you’ll say at first, anyway.

I wonder what your wife will think? If you’ll be mad at me for trying to contact you? If you’ll feel like you always knew about me somehow?

I wonder how it’ll change your perception of yourself? How it’ll change my idea of who I am?

If it’ll matter at all?

…Bye.
AM

Day 42

Dear Dad,

I’m not as anxious as I used to be.

I used to get stuck on something for days or weeks and not be able to let it go. I would also lose sleep and not be able to eat. I’d have tons of nervous energy but not know how to deal with any of it. Basically, I was a wreck.

Lately I’ve been able to worry for sometimes a day or even two, sometimes in a very extreme way that involves the nervous energy and loss of sleep; but now I let someone else into whatever my mess is.

Somehow that helps. Just the act of letting someone in and letting it go. Uh, usually. Then there are the times when I still get crazy.

But I’m not really into talking about those times at the moment. Girl’s got to have some secrets.

AM

Day 41

Dad,

I don’t think you stand much of a chance. I have unrealistic standards for others and want to be loved in a perfect way that only Jesus can do, but I still want other people to love me that way.

Can you love me sacrificially? Love me when it hurts you to do so? Love me when I am unlovable? Love me when I am unbelievably smug and arrogant? Love me just because I am me and that is important? Love me because it’s the only thing you can do?

And do all of it perfectly and in a way that communicates love to me?

I should probably just settle for you acknowledging me when I contact you. Probably.

Bye,
AM

Day 39

Dad,

I’ve used this analogy too much, but I feel like I’m about to pass out. I feel like I’m just gasping for air. And, selfishly, I sometimes daydream about you being the thing that helps me.

What I mean by that is: that you have money and you give it to me. Because that’s what it feels like we need constantly. That’s what is always weighing down on my chest. Even when I forget about it or try and try and try to understand how to give things to God, it’s always money and, in our case, the lack of money lurking.

I just want you to be rich and take care of me. I want someone who can finally provide for me in a way that is above and beyond.

And I just know that won’t solve anything really; but I really, really, really wish it would.

I’m sorry I’m greedy and all I want is for you to be rich.
AM