Giving up on whatever.

Well, after a long stretch of mediocrity, I’m giving up every day posting. My lastest absence has put the nail in the coffin for me. I’m not committed to it for any reason, so I’m giving it up. I don’t do things I don’t want to do. So, done.

I haven’t posted in a week or whatever. So, what is up with me? Uh, I’m really not sure how to blog about it. Or if I should. Does that make it seem exciting? It’s not. Mostly, Joe and I have what I will very broadly define as “communication issues”. And, recently, that came to a thing. And that thing led us to decide to go to counseling– both individually and as a couple. It’s an interesting but mundane time right now for us, I guess.

Actually, that sort of reminds me of another reason I don’t want to blog every day anymore: I’m whiny. And I really just want to swear a lot. But mostly the whiny. I read some TITLE to some article/blog post about something vaguely related, and I just can’t do it anymore. As much as I love it, God help me, I don’t want to whine at the internet anymore. Maybe my whole life sounds like a breathy but shrill whine to the universe right now, but I’ll try to keep it focused right there in real time only.

So what the hell will I blog about? I have no idea. Life. I guess. I sure as expletive don’t do anything well enough or with so much passion that I think I have anything worth sharing with anyone. Even the 30 or so people who peruse this fine blog.

I’m just 25, with sort of a weird/okay marriage, and a couple of kids. Whom I yell at sometimes and also sometimes only feed snacks because that’s all I feel like doing. So… yeah.

Lifestyle blog, it is.

Day 199

It’s hot this summer.  And because it is so blazing hot almost every day, it is also smelly this summer.  And by “it”, I mean “me”.  Because I refuse to use a commercial antiperspirant/deodorant.  Because… I don’t know why anymore.  I mean, because of the aluminum?  Because it might be bad for me?  Because the scents all make me nauseous and remind me of being in a stinky bathroom that is not at all masked by a lousy floral spray?  

All of those reason.  And none of them.

I just am stubborn and won’t buy any deodorant when I should be able to make some myself.  A lot of emphasis on that SHOULD.  Because, so far, I have been unable to do so.  Every one I have made at home has left me with scabby pits (which is so gross on so many levels).  I think I might be having a reaction to baking soda as that has been the common thread, but I never seem to remember that when I make a new one.  Until about a week later when my armpits are red and scaly.  Again:  so gross.

And I find recipes that are touted as NO FAIL, CAN’T GO WRONG, ONLY COMPLETE, ILLITERATE IDIOTS CAN MESS THIS UP type recipes.  And yet, here I am– smelly.  DIY deodorant-less.  A little sad about it.  Wondering about my literacy skills…

If the smell of artificial fragrance and B.O. didn’t make me want to vomit, I’d just go back to regular old deodorant.  Really, I would.  But somewhere between ages 15 and 25, I became sensitive to smell.  And just the smell of most deos makes me want to barf.  A lot.

Anyway, if you see me– or rather, smell me– this summer, I won’t be offended if you take a step or two back. 

Day 198

I am blank today.

 

I wish I would quit trying to post every day, because this sort of situation pops up way too often.

 

Oh well.

Day 197

I sometimes wonder why, at the end of the day, I feel so brain dead.  Like I can barely function.  And I feel like I’ve done so little during the day.  But I think all day long.  About… so many things right now.

Like:

• Food.  What should we spend our money on?  How do we decide?  What’s best for us right now?
• Kids.  Do we want more?  Should we wait?  How long should we wait?  How long do I want to wait?  Are my kids developing okay?  Have I damaged them already?  (Probably!)  Is Zoe ever going to calm down?!
• Husband.  Just… yeah.
• Faith.  What do I believe?  Why?  Does it make sense to me still?  What doesn’t make sense anymore?  Why?  What conclusion can I now draw that I couldn’t before?  Why do I dislike going to church so much right now?
• Chickens.  Should we?  Shouldn’t we?  Will we?  Won’t we?

At times I feel I could fill novels with the thoughts that run through my head on a given day.  It’s tiring.  I’d like to stop.  But, whatevs.  I am what I am; and, right now, it’s tiring being me.

 

Day 196

I’m more excited than I thought I would be to see tiny little peppers on my plant today.  I’d be happier if I saw any beans or cucumbers, though.  The great ups and downs of urban gardening…

Day 195

It is sort of disappointing to realize how short my attention span is.  Or whatever it is when you can’t just sit and watch a movie without doing 2-12 other things at the same time.  Unless you’re incredibly exhausted to the point of blurred vision.

Yes, so, in that vein:  I am currently, at this very moment even, watching Never Let Me Go.  It is… so much like the book that it’s sort of great and dissatisfying all at once.  Lovely in that it really captures the mood of the novel, but lacking in some of the things they’ve cut out.  But, overall, I’m enjoying the movie.

Which makes me wonder if there’s ever a standard release movie (i.e. not a mini series or even a multi-part picture) that is satisfying for the reader?  Like I enjoy Pride and Prejudice as a movie, but would I be left wanting for more out of the movie if I’d read the book?  Are they ever truly equals?  I wonder…

 

Day 194

I feel like I might be a liar.  Or maybe admitting my failures spurred me to change something.  But in the month or so I’ve read 5 or more books.  Uh, yeah.  I went for magazine browsing to reading actual, full-length novels.  Look who can read, after all?

One of the books in there sometime was I am Number Four.  It was an okay book; nothing too spectacular about it, but something fun to read nonetheless.  So then I decided, hey, they made that into a movie; I’ll watch that.   Got it from the lib’ary, and I just watched it today.  Okay, whatever.  Not that great.  But, when I was deciding to see this movie simply because I had read the book, I was also reading another book with a nice shiny sticker on the front cover informing me that it, too, had been made into a major motion picture.

So now I’m doing a thing.  Now I’m reading books that have been made into movies.  And then seeing the movie.  And let me just say:  so far, unimpressed with screen adaptations.  I know, I know; you always like the book better.  Books just have more time and more detail to get into things that movies have to try to explain visually.  But seriously, I am still disappointed both The Hunger Games and I Am Number Four on the big screen.  Just sort of bleh.  Meh.  Whatevs.

My next movie-adapted-from-a-novel is Never Let Me Go.  I just finished the book the other day and was just devastated in the best possible way by it.  I’m a little nervous about seeing it at all because I did really like the book, (especially after just reading what Rotten Tomatoes’ critic blurb had to say about it…) but I’m still going to do it.  

Because this is my current “thing” to do:  

Read a book.  

Watch the movie version.

Whine about the experience on my tiny blog.

What’s your favorite book-made-into-a-movie book/movie?  (Isn’t everyone’s the Harry Potter series?  Seriously?)

Day 193

Well, I fell asleep before 5 yesterday.  You know, because my life is so exciting that my body just shuts down from all the incredible things I do every day.  Jay Kay.  I just go to bed late and get up early.

We’ve gotten about a dozen or so little, delicious, red tomatoes from one of our plants.  Guys, I’m a real-live gardener now.  I have officially grown something and eaten that something I grew.

Okay, I got some water kefir grains from this place the other day, and a friend who makes kombucha offered me a baby SCOBY.  And we’re still talking about getting chickens.  And I want to maybe switch to raw milk and make cheese from it.  Basically, it’s getting homesteady up in here.

But, as all this is still percolating within me and our family’s general consciousness, I also have stopped caring about a lot of this type of thing.  Mainly anything that would or could be called: “natural”; “crunchy”; “traditional”; “real”; “slow”; “organic” with “food” tagged in there or not.  Nope, generally hate it.  I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want to hear another thing about it.  Maybe I’ve simply hit my saturation level and can handle no more new info.  Maybe I’ve just become incredibly cynical in the last few months.  Maybe I’m just a bad person.  But I don’t care.

I want chickens, but I don’t care how nutrient dense their eggs will be.  I want to drink water kefir, but I don’t care about the benefits of fermented drinks in my gut.  I want to make the switch to raw milk, but I don’t want to think about all the helpful enzymes and bacteria in it.

I just don’t want to think so much about my food.  I want to eat it and be well fed, but I don’t want to worry so much.  ‘Cause it ain’t going to save me.  Unfortunately/fortunately.

Plus, sometimes, what if I just love a double croisentwich from Burger King?  What if that’s who I really am?  What?!

Day 191

One of my tomato plants is starting to have real, live ripe fruits.  I’m honestly just impressed I kept all my plants alive through the heat wave we had last week.  Kudos to me.  And my plants.  Who are tough as nails when personified.

My cucumber plants keep being kind of weird, though.  I have 4 pots with cukes in them, and three of them will get all wilty during the day but perk up when watered.  So maybe I’m just not watering them enough?  But the one pot is fine?  And I’ve yet to take the time to look anything up about it.  I’m pretty ambivalent about my plants survival as I can easily go to the grocery store for food.  I’d be much more intense if it was all the food we had, but it’s totally not.  TOTALLY NOT.

A friend gave me a couple plants for my birthday, and one of them is an heirloom tomato plant.  I’m really hoping for that one to produce — and it does already have one small fruit on it; yay!  But I’ve read recently how heirloom tomato breeds are so much sweeter because of such and such a reason.  So, obviously, I want to try that out first-hand.  First-hand is the only kind of experience that counts, you know?

Have I talked about nothing for long enough?  Yes, yes I have.

Day 190

I’m having a hard time today. A hard time just staying calm. A hard time not crying. A hard time not reverting to my 16-year-old self’s coping mechanism of eating lots of food and pushing my feelings down, down, down (past the large lump of food, of course). And I use “reverting” prrrretty loosely here as I’ve never really given up that coping “skill.” My emotions get eaten, and I totally don’t understand people who don’t do that.

I feel like, oh, I should totally pray. Or, I should totally reach out to someone. But… I’m not. Hello, blog, you’re the closest I’ll get to doing that today.

Which makes me think more and more about what I’m expecting from people and the friendships I have/long to have. And it makes me remember that I can’t expect things to change without trying. But… I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to try so hard to feel like anyone cares about me. I don’t want to remember all the times I’ve been left by whomever, or simply felt left for one reason or another. I don’t want to open myself up to losing people by having people in my life.

So it’s easier to retreat. To cry to myself. To feel like no one likes me or wants me. To cope with feelings of abandonment and fear of not ever being accepted by anyone by not trying. To whine on my autobiographical blog and let my wimpers be drowned out in cyberspace.

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. Maybe I’ll swallow the bile down and try. But probably not.

(Really, not looking for pity. I have plenty at my party already.)