Archive | August, 2012

A Weird Week

16 Aug

Joe’s had the week off, and we’ve deemed it a vacation.  Although it seems a lot more like what I wish everyday life was like for us… which has made it sort of a depressing vacation.  But I’ve personally never been on a vacation with family that wasn’t a little sad– is that just me?

So.  We’re on vacation.  OR “vacation”.  We’ve done a couple of things we’ve wanted to do:  went to the state fair and the IMA; uh, sat around?  ate out a lot?  stuff like that?  Yes, that is the kind of vacation we’re having.  Not bad, not great; thus is life.

But Joe does start school this upcoming Monday.  I really don’t know what to expect; what will it be like to have a husband in school full-time and continue to work part-time?  Probably a lot like it is now; probably a lot of him being gone and the kids missing him.  And me missing him.  And some freaking out; and some just doing it.  Eventually, for good or bad, it’ll become normal for us and that’s all I can reasonably hope for right now.

Here we are at the ledge, looking down into nothingness and everythingness.  It’s a strange place to be– the waiting place; you know, our usual spot.  Totally out of control and unsure of what the best thing even is anymore.  But it’s exciting too; right?  Right?!

Something

10 Aug

I’ve been thinking and wondering if I might be “ready” to send a letter to my father.  I use quotations around “ready” because, well, what the hell does it mean to be ready to do something like this?  I know when I’m ready to go to bed or ready to go to the library or ready to tear my hair out, but I don’t really know the sensation that is “ready to try to introduce myself to my biological father”.  Is there a tingling somewhere I should be looking for?  Or maybe I’d see some sign in the sky?  Yeah, probably not.  So, after sitting on the idea for… a year?  or maybe two?  I feel like, fine.  Let’s just do it.

I guess I have to write something.  And then probably proof read it 70 times or so.  And then stick it in the envelope, write what is hopefully his address on it, smack a stamp on and send it on its good way.  

And then just wait for some irrevocable change to come about.  Possibly some calamity and misadventures will ensue.

But I have to do that first part first. Which isn’t any sort extraordinary feat nor does it  require any special skills.  Just horrible, boring patience.  And acceptance of the terrible reality of possibly being rejected by someone who is important for no reason other than blood and DNA.  

Seriously though, my life is sort of shitty right now.   What’s one more thing?  It can’t possibly be that bad of an idea, right? (Famous last words.)