Day 51

20 Feb

Dear Dad,

Our mutual acquaintance, my mom, was over today was over today. And I was really struck by the fact that I do, in fact, love her. She is my mother after all, right?

I know that I’ve said a few vague (and maybe some not so vague) things about her to you about how she’s hurt me/scarred me/ruined my life; but I still love her. I don’t know if she’s read any of this blog (and, honestly, I hope not. For her sake.), but if she does, I want to say at least one time that I know that I love her. And I’m pretty sure she loves me; and, if not me, then definitely my kids.

I’ve been so mad at her for longer than I can remember. I think a compounding factor has always been that I love her– perhaps more than she does me; perhaps that’s the problem in its entirety. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive her for everything; to finally let go of each and every wrong she’s done against me. But, if I’m obnoxiously honest with myself, I think it hurts too much to try to let things come up and be forgiven; to remember and then say, “I forgive you.”

It’s a lot less painful in the short term to simply suppress. I know I can’t forever; I know it’s not healthy ultimately; I know, I know, I know. But damnit if I don’t want to!

It’s really weird all of a sudden to think that the only thing connecting us is my mom– this one small thread leading from you to me, me to you. That’s all there is between us: an acquaintance.



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