I’ve long been feeling tired of this blog, so this week I’m just going to be brief. I’d say “for a change” but there are many more days of brevity here than anything else. Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to pick 3 words each day to describe how the day went or how I’m feeling. I’m calling it a writing exercise, so deal with it.
Here’s today’s words:
Excited. Tired. Hungry.
Nothing but pure gold here, folks. PURE GOLD.
I guess I’ve been feeling out of control lately as I’ve been spending money as if we have extra to spend. Also eating a lot. Even when I’m not hungry. If I could figure out some other way to deal with the sensation of a loss of control, that’d be great. But I feel so far off from being that kind of person.
Today I got to hold Lazarus and rock him and cuddle him and kiss him. He’s about a million times cuddlier than Zoe ever was as a baby. Even when she was only a few hours old, she’d be pushing away from me as I held her. Laz is much different in that he likes to be held and cuddled sometimes.
It’s sort of weird to have a non-cuddly baby. She’s harder to handle when sick or sleepy in that the normal mom reaction is to hold her child when she’s experiencing pain or discomfort. No, non-cuddlers want to be left alone; free to scream and thrash about. Which is so so so painful for mommy dearest as she has to just feel completely helpless.
Zoe will probably be one tough cookie someday because of her non-cuddling genes.
My ear finally popped today. Or something. I haven’t been able to hear out of my left ear for about a week. Today, while I was outside watching Lazarus crawl on our cement steps to the porch, I blew my nose and my sick ear could suddenly hear again. So I’m in a slightly better mood than I have been.
For whatever reason, losing some of my hearing really made me feel isolated. Joe kept trying to talk to me but would be on the wrong side of me, and I’d tell him for the 30th time that, no, in fact, I cannot hear you. It just made me feel all of these things that I have probably pushed down since like forever.
Anyway, I can’t even blog about this right because Joe and I are having a fight right now! MARRIAGE’D.
I feel like I say how I feel about my mom, and the consensus is usually that I’m too hard on her or that she’s just a person and can’t be perfect and I need to give her a break. And I probably need to do that; just give her a break, but it’s hard when I feel so broken by her. I used to think that who I am– this melancholy mess of an introvert– was just who I’d be no matter what. Then I had Zoe.
Obviously I can’t be sure of anything and am just guessing, but I think I was probably like her. And (I think I’ve talked about this before) it just kills me sometimes thinking of all that got squashed out of me through a lack of love and trust. And, also, I’m just really hyperbolic and oversensitive.
I don’t think my mom did the best she could, but maybe she did. With what little idea she had of what to do and how little she probably wanted me, this was probably a best case scenario. That’s still fairly painful. I don’t know. I think I just don’t know how to explain how I feel or why I feel mad when I try to talk about my feelings toward my mom. It’s all very ugly and complicated and sad. And, right now, I feel very ugly and complicated and sad about it.
I’ve been pretty careful to not talk much about my mom here as I don’t have a clue as to whether she reads this or not. But today I’d like to say fuck that.
My mom lives some kind of secret life that I don’t know about. Not that she’s any kind of deviant or participates in some kind of moral taboo; she simply doesn’t tell me about parts of her life. I have no idea about several things in her life other than that they are there. The one that bothers me most, I guess, is that she has a boyfriend that she’s told me very, very, very little about. And I think they may have been dating for, say, the past 5 years? Maybe? But I really don’t know. She doesn’t tell me if they’re very serious; she’ll generally avoid telling me if she’s going to see him. And I really do hate her for it.
Because who does that? What kind of relationship do we have? Hmm? OH, I know, one where she hides things from me, laughs uncomfortably at serious conversations because we don’t do those, never answers “yes” or “no” when I ask her direct questions that really only warrant one of the two answers. I… don’t know what I’m saying or trying to get at. Other than I’m pretty mad. And feel abandoned by her. And always have this aching empty spot in me every time I’m around her.
For a while I would just ignore her while she was over for a visit. She never brought it up and neither did I. I’m sure if she’s reading this right now she’ll just pretend she never saw it. I can’t stand the relationship we have, and I’m trying to forgive her through counseling, but I will never be able to change her. Maybe I’ll feel better one day and won’t ache for a mother I’ve never had and can never hope to have, but she’ll still be her. And I have absolutely no hope that she’ll ever change.
She loves my kids; but I just… am not sure how she feels about me.
I’ve been sick, so I’m feeling pretty ranty right now. Here it is:
I’m really tired of making fun of the way “uneducated” people use language. Say this whole, “I’m a Grammar Nazi” thing that you’ll run into on the internet. Because it’s truly impossible to understand what someone means when he writes “to” instead of “too.” Right? RIGHT? I don’t want to act like language isn’t important, because it obviously is. But is it really all that big of a deal if people can’t spell well or know where the hell to put a comma? Is it really something worth making the writer feel bad about?
If I’m reading a published book, yes, I totally don’t want to see even a single spelling error! I’m totally that way. But if it’s on, say, Facebook? Who cares? Did you understand what she meant? Probably. Does it really matter that it was spelled poorly? Probably not.
I think I just feel like we make fun of “dumb” people. Us educated folks. Somehow a person’s education has dictated their worth which is disgusting.
Thoughts?
Joe and I went to Ikea in West Chester, OH today. Apparently it is a “life improvement” store; somehow, my life does not feel much improved when I am there or immediately after leaving.
I’d like to direct you to this link, which will take you to a page with a collection of clips from an episode of 30 Rock where Liz and her boyfriend Criss (LOL on that name) go to Ikea. It is almost identical to every experience I’ve ever had there. And yet I know I’ll go again…
Lazarus did in fact get celebrated today! We love him so much. He is my little love bug! 🙂
Hello, Hernandez 