Archive | December, 2011

My imaginary family

4 Dec

I used to think (or, as I would now call it, imagine) that my mom had gotten married and then divorced when I was a baby.  Why did I think this?  I guess at some point I just decided that the only way a woman could possibly have a baby is if they had been married.  So, obviously, my mom must have been married and divorced– she had me, but I had no daddy.

I look back at this little made up story and wonder why I thought this.  I know that for a long time I didn’t know my nuclear family (me, my mom, and, for a time, my mom’s parents) was not normal.  Everyone lives with the grandparents and mom, right?  And their aunt watches them, obviously, when their mom is at work.  Duh.

I don’t know the exact moment when I figured out that, in fact, most people live with just their mommy and daddy; and I don’t remember if I actually truly believed that my mom had been married or if I just told myself (and some kids who asked where my dad was) that story.  I do know that my cousins decided at some point to ruthlessly tease me for not having a dad; that my mom didn’t love me (because I didn’t have a dad?  I don’t know; kids really don’t seem to need a logically reason to be horrifically, traumatically mean, do they?).  And I know that I have always longed to feel normal since realizing I was anything but.

Now, though, I don’t know if I would’ve been “normal”– what is normal, anyway, right?– even if I had the perfect little family I always thought I should.  And, really, I like who I am now and who I am becoming.  And maybe there could’ve been an easier way to get to this place, and there could’ve been fewer obstacles and hardships… and, probably, there should have been more love and affection growing up, less rejection, more honesty.  But, through all the ugliness, there is beauty.  I don’t have to make it up; I can see it pretty clearly now and hope to see even more so as I continue to change and shift.

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Pretending

2 Dec

I thought I had been incredibly clever and savvy and found the guy that is probably my dad on the internet; I thought I’d even managed to find him on Facebook and that I had seen a picture of him and his family.  I did this several months ago when I had first decided to really look for my dad.  But I guess I didn’t really think it was him, honestly.  I didn’t think it would be that easy, that simple.  I even asked my mom to take a look at the guy and asked if she thought it might be him.  She said she didn’t think so, but she could be wrong.

Well, the other day, (after noticing this blog was on my FB profile… oops?  too passive aggressive?  maybe?) she sent me an email telling me that she thought it was time I knew the truth and here’s the information that she thinks is correct.  A name and address that she had found (on the internet, of course– what a crazy place this is).  She had even found his wife on FB.  Now I think my dad is a dude dressed in a Fred Flintstone costume with a Wilma, Bam-Bam and Pebbles in tow.  This is a lot more real to me.  This is also INCREDIBLY scary.

Like I could actually find my dad.  Like this could be a real thing that I really do.