Day 190

8 Jul

I’m having a hard time today. A hard time just staying calm. A hard time not crying. A hard time not reverting to my 16-year-old self’s coping mechanism of eating lots of food and pushing my feelings down, down, down (past the large lump of food, of course). And I use “reverting” prrrretty loosely here as I’ve never really given up that coping “skill.” My emotions get eaten, and I totally don’t understand people who don’t do that.

I feel like, oh, I should totally pray. Or, I should totally reach out to someone. But… I’m not. Hello, blog, you’re the closest I’ll get to doing that today.

Which makes me think more and more about what I’m expecting from people and the friendships I have/long to have. And it makes me remember that I can’t expect things to change without trying. But… I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to try so hard to feel like anyone cares about me. I don’t want to remember all the times I’ve been left by whomever, or simply felt left for one reason or another. I don’t want to open myself up to losing people by having people in my life.

So it’s easier to retreat. To cry to myself. To feel like no one likes me or wants me. To cope with feelings of abandonment and fear of not ever being accepted by anyone by not trying. To whine on my autobiographical blog and let my wimpers be drowned out in cyberspace.

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. Maybe I’ll swallow the bile down and try. But probably not.

(Really, not looking for pity. I have plenty at my party already.)

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