Day 116

25 Apr

I’ve been pretty careful to not talk much about my mom here as I don’t have a clue as to whether she reads this or not.  But today I’d like to say fuck that.

My mom lives some kind of secret life that I don’t know about.  Not that she’s any kind of deviant or participates in some kind of moral taboo; she simply doesn’t tell me about parts of her life.  I have no idea about several things in her life other than that they are there.  The one that bothers me most, I guess, is that she has a boyfriend that she’s told me very, very, very little about.  And I think they may have been dating for, say, the past 5 years?  Maybe?  But I really don’t know.  She doesn’t tell me if they’re very serious; she’ll generally avoid telling me if she’s going to see him.  And I really do hate her for it.

Because who does that?  What kind of relationship do we have?  Hmm?  OH, I know, one where she hides things from me, laughs uncomfortably at serious conversations because we don’t do those, never answers “yes” or “no” when I ask her direct questions that really only warrant one of the two answers.  I… don’t know what I’m saying or trying to get at.  Other than I’m pretty mad.  And feel abandoned by her.  And always have this aching empty spot in me every time I’m around her.

For a while I would just ignore her while she was over for a visit.  She never brought it up and neither did I.  I’m sure if she’s reading this right now she’ll just pretend she never saw it.  I can’t stand the relationship we have, and I’m trying to forgive her through counseling, but I will never be able to change her.  Maybe I’ll feel better one day and won’t ache for a mother I’ve never had and can never hope to have, but she’ll still be her.  And I have absolutely no hope that she’ll ever change.

She loves my kids; but I just… am not sure how she feels about me.

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2 Responses to “Day 116”

  1. areyoumyfather April 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm #

    I feel your pain. I have also lived with a secretive mother – she’s evasive at best. I’ve always wished she’d change, but I’m nearly 55 now and I know now that she is incapable of changing. Even in the face of the facts, my mother will lie – when confronted with any issues of importance, she will completely lie, deny, then runs far away and hides – never to speak to any of us again…..for decades! It’s interesting that your mother expresses so much love for your children – mine has never express one iota of interest in my children or my sibling’s children. Anyway, I could relate so well to your pain and anger – thank you for sharing. Big hugs for you – take care,
    Jane

  2. Audra Lawler April 26, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    I have so much to say about this but don’t really want to put the details of my life on the internet. While this particular situation might be unique, I know a lot of people who have resentment and even hate toward their mother. So I don’t think you’re alone. Personally, I’m still trying to find ways to deal with the fact that my mother is a person, like any other, who has made mistakes and bad decisions and has character flaws. The expectation of a mother is pretty high and not everyone can meet it. Not everyone is made that way. It definitely sucks, though. Maybe your mother realizes she made a lot of mistakes and is trying to somehow make up for them with your children? I don’t know. But my grandmother treated my dad like absolute shit growing up but she’s always thought the sun shined out of my bum. And I’m rather certain my mom lies too, but about the past not the present. So that parts a bit weird.

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