Day 117

26 Apr

I feel like I say how I feel about my mom, and the consensus is usually that I’m too hard on her or that she’s just a person and can’t be perfect and I need to give her a break.  And I probably need to do that; just give her a break, but it’s hard when I feel so broken by her.  I used to think that who I am– this melancholy mess of an introvert– was just who I’d be no matter what.  Then I had Zoe.

Obviously I can’t be sure of anything and am just guessing, but I think I was probably like her.  And (I think I’ve talked about this before) it just kills me sometimes thinking of all that got squashed out of me through a lack of love and trust.  And, also, I’m just really hyperbolic and oversensitive.

I don’t think my mom did the best she could, but maybe she did.  With what little idea she had of what to do and how little she probably wanted me, this was probably a best case scenario.  That’s still fairly painful.  I don’t know.  I think I just don’t know how to explain how I feel or why I feel mad when I try to talk about my feelings toward my mom.  It’s all very ugly and complicated and sad.  And, right now, I feel very ugly and complicated and sad about it.


One Response to “Day 117”

  1. rebekahkayosborn April 26, 2012 at 8:50 pm #

    i think that anybody who would say you need to give her a break, or downplay what you’re feeling just because your mom’s not perfect probably hasn’t been hurt by their parents to the same depth. i have a great relationship with my parents, and when i think of who i would be, or how i would be different, if they hadn’t loved jesus and me as well as they did…well, i would be a very hurt and broken person.

    all that to say, i’m not in the same place you are, and not from the same place you are, but i know that our parents affect us so, so deeply for good or ill, so i don’t believe you are being hyperbolic. but i know that you are working with jesus and other people to get to a better place about your mom, which is a super difficult and commendable thing to do.

    sorry…that was so rambly. i just wanted to encourage you. hang in there, friend.

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