Day 28

Dear Dad,

Today, I went to Whole Foods. I’ve only been one other time.  I started to panic as soon as I started looking up the directions to get there.  It was like a whole new world to me.

I don’t know what it is about doing new things that I hate so much, but I really do not care for it.  Right now in my life, at the tender age of 24, I’ve gotten my anxiety pretty well under control (after 1-2 years of counseling and prayers of release).  But sometimes it really just rears up.

Like what is scary about going to a grocery store?  That sells things that I like?  Yeah, it’s a bit of a drive from this side of town, but it’s not like I’ve never driven to 86th Street before.  Something about not knowing exactly where everything was, or the prices, or what to expect when I got there just made me feel like I couldn’t do it.  I almost didn’t go.

There are so many things I don’t do out of fear still:  be creative– poetry, music, drawing; try to learn new skills; grad school.  I’m still scared I’m not good enough, that people will laugh at me if I try.

I think I’ve been hurt a lot, but I also think I have to keep pushing myself to do hard things.  Even if I fail, at least I’ll have tried.  Ah, how the trite and cliche rings so true…   But really, I’m scared to meet you.  I don’t know if I want to do it.  I’m still trying to figure it out.  You are slightly more intimidating than a new grocery store.

See ya,

AM

Day 27

Dear Dad,

I’m feeling a lot better but still not quite at full force.  It was really hard being sick and having the kids to take care of; they really don’t get it when mommy is not feeling well.  And, unfortunately, if you try to stick them in bed all day, they get pretty pissed about that kinda thing too.

But I made it.  Probably by the grace of God.  I prayed a lot when I was sick.  For healing.  For strength.  To say that I felt like Job (which of course is always an exaggeration… but I really connect to Job’s story in the Bible) and hated God for letting me get sick.  I also kept thinking of times when I would get sick, and not even as sick I was this past week, and all I had to worry about was school and work.  Ah, those were the days.  Those were still stressful times.  And now these are also stressful times.  Go figure.

Luckily, Lazarus is really cute, and Zoe’s quite helpful.  She would often give me things that I “needed” with a “Oh, here you go, Sweetheart.”  That sweetness probably melted the infection right out of me.

But, right now, everything is chaos and feels like I’ve lost the past 2 weeks to illness (first L’s and then my own).  And we’re hoping that no one else gets sick.  Because if Joe gets sick, well, that becomes a financial issue.  Which always causes stress.

Oh, my kidney is hurting I am so stressed out just thinking of Joe getting sick.  Or maybe it’s the massive amounts of Tylenol and cough syrup I’ve taken in the last 4 days?  I’ll never know for sure…

 

Maybe something that makes sense awaits you tomorrow?  (But I wouldn’t hold my breath.)

AM

Day 20

Dear Dad,

This is my little baby Lazarus.  I know the picture’s a little blurry, but this image captures his personality so well.  I’m thinking about what it will be like to get to know him as he grows.  All the little moments, like this one, that will add up to the big picture of who he is in entirety.

You don’t get that with me.  Or, I mean, you didn’t get that with me.  And I wonder if that’s something that can even be overcome?  Will you ever be able to be a parent to me– not in the sense of parenting me, obviously; but in that being who I would think of you as.  Does that make any sense?

Like my mom is my mom; always has been, always will.  Whether she is mean, emotionally cloy, or otherwise, she will always have the standing in my life of mom.

But what will you be?

You’ll be… like nothing I can think of to compare you to.  I’ve never really had even a “father-figure” type in my life, so I don’t have that to gauge what fathers are like.  I have stories friends tell about their dads (good and bad, of course).  I have TV shows that show me different story lines of fathers in fictionalized settings.  But you won’t be like any of that, really.

I might not meet you until I’m 25, 28, maybe 40 if I really drag my feet.  What’s it like to try to appropriate a “father” at that point in life?  At this point in life?

I’ve left the nest and started my own family.  I am a mother for goodness’ sake.  I am trying to be a parent at this time, not trying to be parented.

And all the hard work of getting to know someone in the middle of his life?  Trying to delicately step into someone’s established family?  And what will your kids think of you?  Your wife?  Your own parents?

This all makes me wonder if I won’t do you more harm in trying to contact you than I will be doing good for myself.

Does that even matter?

Sorry if I ruin your life,

AM

Day 11

Dear Dad,

Nothing cool to write today. Really I’m just tired after Zoe cried for nearly 3 hours straight. Okay, there were breaks in that time; but still not super enjoyable.

I wonder if you’d like her. I wonder if you’ll be able to deal with not knowing who I was as a kid. I wonder what meeting my father 24 years (or more, depending on how long it takes me to contact you) after the fact will be like.

Here’s to hoping you don’t suck.

Sorry I’m not very pithy today,
AM