Day 20

20 Jan

Dear Dad,

This is my little baby Lazarus.  I know the picture’s a little blurry, but this image captures his personality so well.  I’m thinking about what it will be like to get to know him as he grows.  All the little moments, like this one, that will add up to the big picture of who he is in entirety.

You don’t get that with me.  Or, I mean, you didn’t get that with me.  And I wonder if that’s something that can even be overcome?  Will you ever be able to be a parent to me– not in the sense of parenting me, obviously; but in that being who I would think of you as.  Does that make any sense?

Like my mom is my mom; always has been, always will.  Whether she is mean, emotionally cloy, or otherwise, she will always have the standing in my life of mom.

But what will you be?

You’ll be… like nothing I can think of to compare you to.  I’ve never really had even a “father-figure” type in my life, so I don’t have that to gauge what fathers are like.  I have stories friends tell about their dads (good and bad, of course).  I have TV shows that show me different story lines of fathers in fictionalized settings.  But you won’t be like any of that, really.

I might not meet you until I’m 25, 28, maybe 40 if I really drag my feet.  What’s it like to try to appropriate a “father” at that point in life?  At this point in life?

I’ve left the nest and started my own family.  I am a mother for goodness’ sake.  I am trying to be a parent at this time, not trying to be parented.

And all the hard work of getting to know someone in the middle of his life?  Trying to delicately step into someone’s established family?  And what will your kids think of you?  Your wife?  Your own parents?

This all makes me wonder if I won’t do you more harm in trying to contact you than I will be doing good for myself.

Does that even matter?

Sorry if I ruin your life,

AM

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One Response to “Day 20”

  1. Kellsie Anne Edgcomb January 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm #

    adella, or addy as i have know you. wow. i know we were never close as kids and we aren’t that close now but i just had to say something. this is so raw. so amazingly written and pure. emotions can be scary and here shows what you feel plain and cuts through all the haze and is just you. love it.
    love,
    kels

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