What if you’re just sensitive?

7 Oct

I’m not sure what I’m going to say, but, like usual, that isn’t going to stop me from writing and letting the whole world watch me stumble through something half-thought out.

 

I’ve always been a crier.  Well, at least since puberty.  So maybe I could blame it on hormones or the (near constant) depression that I used to deal with.  But, the older I get, the more insecurities I shed, the longer I’ve been in counseling the more I realize I might just be this way.

Oh, what a horrible realization that has been.  THIS WAY.  Who in the world wants to be the crying girl?  No one.  No one wants to be the girl who gets her feelings hurt easily or cries at commercials or is saddened easily by just living.  I’ve gotten better at the first thing (somewhat); I finally learned how to not take things personally and so not be hurt by every little thing that ever happens to or around me.  (Pro Tip:  Just say, “I’m not taking this personally” over and over until that is your actual reaction to things.  I’m not kidding– that is all I did and somehow, perhaps magically, it works.)

But the other day my 4 year old did in fact make me cry.  Why, you ask?  Oh… in the literal sense, she just refused to put on her clothes when I asked.  But it was just another example of my perceived failings as a mother:  my child is constantly naked, unwilling to dress herself although she is capable, and disobedient.  What could I do?  Usually I lose my temper; this time I just lost the feeling of having much dignity.  

I think crying symbolizes weakness, unfortunately.  I think every day I walk a little farther from that lie, but it’s something I hold pretty deeply in my heart.  I know that I’ve only ever seen my mom cry 3 or so times in my life.  I know everyone gets pretty awkward pretty fast when you cry in front of them.  I know I hear things about women in the workplace and how you should never let anyone see you cry.

And, yet, I still cry a lot.  I cry because Life is simply too hard to not.  Because there is an unbearable heaviness in my chest sometimes that makes getting out of bed that much harder.  Because my kids don’t listen, and I have no idea what I’m doing.  Because I got married to a man who wasn’t sure about me.  (Side note:  he is sure about me now, so I don’t cry about that so much anymore.)  Because “who am I and what do I believe” is a question I am constantly thinking about or ignoring and seems to matter so much but has no answer (and might not ever).

And sometimes I cry because someone says a piece of criticism to me.  Even kindly put, I’ll still cry.  And I think this is seen as me not handling the critique well… but I don’t really know how to take it any other way, I guess.  I think this particular flavor of tears has to do with chronic feelings of unworthiness (working on it!) and fear that when people find out that I’m “bad” (whatever that means), they’ll be done with me.

But I also cry because I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy after hours and hours of labor and threat of C-section and should dysplasia and he is beautiful and crying and alive.  And because I love my husband so much for the first time that it actually feels like something in my body when I think of him.  And that God loves me in real ways every once in a while that washes away all thoughts of disbelief and fear of rejection.

So, whatever.  I cry.  Big deal.  Maybe one day I’ll believe tears aren’t so bad… but that’s probably not today, is it?

 

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One Response to “What if you’re just sensitive?”

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  1. Root-y Toot Toot | Hello, Hernandez - March 13, 2014

    […] calmer than I used to be.   Or that one day it would be possible to feel like I was less intense, emotional, or what have you.  In my mind, that is when I’ll finally feel real.  You know, like the […]

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