I don’t live intentionally.

17 Sep

(I suppose this idea of living life “intentionally” goes outside of the Christian subset, but it’s where I encounter it frequently and so that’s where I’m coming from here.)

 

So “living intentionally” makes me want to barf.  Anyone else?  I feel like I cannot go a single day without seeing something pinned on Pinterest or a link someone loved shared on Facebook about living life intentionally.  Because you don’t want to waste your life!  You don’t want to make Jesus cry!  Your kids are only little once!  You only get one chance to be a great parent!  You will definitely die one day and on your deathbed you will never wished that you washed more dishes, amiright?!

None of these are bad things.  Of course you want your life to have some meaning to it and do stuff that’s important and be a great freaking parent.  Nobody doesn’t want those things.  But, wow, if you don’t know what you’re doing in life?  If you’re still trying to wade out of a “quarter-life crisis” (yes, I said that; it’s is such a real thing for me) while married and mothered to 3 small, small, tiny, needy children?  Living intentionally is a horrifying 2 word phrase to hear over and over.  And over.  And over and over and over. (And then I’m dead.)

I put a lot of weight on myself to figure it out 
and know what the eff I’m doing.

I have no idea, though.  Sometimes my chest actually feels tight with the thought of living.  I feel like this fake pressure I’ve put on myself (not entirely intentionally, though, coincidentally enough) to know what I’m doing, to figure it out, to grow up finally is like a thick, wet, wool blanket on top of me.  I’m dripping with ideals and desires and wants and dreams, but I’m too paralyzed to even try most things.  You know?  I don’t even know what I like most of the time.  Ha, I’m so insecure it’s re-dic.  (I’m totally not crying a little or anything.)

I’m ready to start figuring things out for myself; trying things I might be interested in… but all those things are new to me, and I’ll probably suck at them when I try them, and then I have to work at them to get better, and even just this sentence and that thought wears me out.

 

I put way too much pressure on myself.  But I also give up very easily.  Oh, wow, I am like the worst perfectionist ever.

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4 Responses to “I don’t live intentionally.”

  1. Ina September 17, 2013 at 8:10 pm #

    Does “meaning” require “intention?” Hey, Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin by accident, and no one is arguing that his life didn’t have meaning.

    • adellamae September 17, 2013 at 8:17 pm #

      A good distinction to make in my mind. But… I still don’t feel like I have much going on. I mean, raising kids? They let anyone do that! (Sarcasm? Not sure.)

    • adellamae September 17, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

      I’m totally not looking for pity or anything (this time); just saying junk. Or whatever.

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