10 Aug

I’ve been thinking and wondering if I might be “ready” to send a letter to my father.  I use quotations around “ready” because, well, what the hell does it mean to be ready to do something like this?  I know when I’m ready to go to bed or ready to go to the library or ready to tear my hair out, but I don’t really know the sensation that is “ready to try to introduce myself to my biological father”.  Is there a tingling somewhere I should be looking for?  Or maybe I’d see some sign in the sky?  Yeah, probably not.  So, after sitting on the idea for… a year?  or maybe two?  I feel like, fine.  Let’s just do it.

I guess I have to write something.  And then probably proof read it 70 times or so.  And then stick it in the envelope, write what is hopefully his address on it, smack a stamp on and send it on its good way.  

And then just wait for some irrevocable change to come about.  Possibly some calamity and misadventures will ensue.

But I have to do that first part first. Which isn’t any sort extraordinary feat nor does it  require any special skills.  Just horrible, boring patience.  And acceptance of the terrible reality of possibly being rejected by someone who is important for no reason other than blood and DNA.  

Seriously though, my life is sort of shitty right now.   What’s one more thing?  It can’t possibly be that bad of an idea, right? (Famous last words.)


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