Day 185

3 Jul

I’d like to complain some about being smart, but I’m afraid I’ll be whipped if I do.  But that generally doesn’t stop anyone from doing things on the Almighty Internet, so why should it stop me?

We’re coming up to a hard place in our lives:  Joe is going back to school in August to get his (second) Bachelor’s degree; he has one in Music right now (I know, so very marketable and pertinent to someone who, when asked if he wants to do music as a career, will respond no.  Hi-lar.) and is going back for engineering (not sure what type yet).  Anyway, he’s going to be trying to do school and continue to work at the same time.  We are going to be trying to do that as a family.  It makes me want to barf.  So that’s complaint #1 about intelligence:  we have this option of Joe going back to school to do something challenging.

Here’s the second complaint:  It’s freaking hard to make a decision.  About anything.  About everything.  I feel like the ability to be analytical is generally good, but it is also many, many times over very exhausting.  Aside from any and all control issues that Joe and I bring into any given situation, I have a hard time figuring out how to make a choice.  Especially as a Christian.  (Although I have long since given up the ghost of a “specific will” of God in which I had to not only follow the path laid out for me but I also had to figure out what that path was and how to get and stay on it.  That was an exhausting period in my life as well.)

But, so, I pray to make decisions now (like I’ve mentioned).  And I generally feel like I can understand when I have an answer and trust that feeling.  But then there’s the follow through.  Like I gave my notice with my current employer and won’t be watching the two girls I’ve been nannying/babysitting/whatevering for the last couple of months come August.  So less money, but we decided that the stress (of, honestly, almost entirely my child acting out/up/in/down) that we could cut out was worth it to cut out.  So we did.  And I thought it was the best thing.  But maybe it’s not.

Because here’s Joe’s tentative school/work schedule beginning in August:  Classes Monday-Thursday 5ish to 9ish pm; Work some days that he has school; Work a double Friday and/or Saturday (but definitely working both those days as those are affectionately known as the “money days”); probably work Sunday night because he’s usually scheduled then.  So… FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.  Okay, that sounds awful to me.

WHY did we think this would be a good way to do things?  You may be asking me.  As I am.  I want to say I don’t know!  But here’s my/our reasoning:  1)  I’ll be around the kids all the time; they’ll have my full, uninterrupted attention every single day.  2)  I’ll be able to take care of all things domestic so that Joe can do “just” school/work things; this mostly means me taking on washing the dishes and spraying disgusting diapers and probably a few small things that I don’t totally realize he does yet.  3)  We have a death wish.  We don’t mind living off of very little.  Hell, we’ve been doing just that for almost our entire (almost 4-year, FYI) marriage.  Money problems are stressful as all get out, but they are a familiar kind of stress, and we know how to deal with them.  Plus, we have our parents in town and family out of town who could always help us out a little if we needed it.

So, that’s what we’re trying to do.  And I tried to talk about being smart, but I really just spilled my guts about something really stressful.  Maybe I’ve processed it some.  Not really.  I mean, that last paragraph makes us seem really noble, but we’re anything but.  I don’t know if I believe it, but it’s what I keep coming back to.  I have to believe that means something.  Although that doesn’t mean I’m not going to look for a part-time job; we also keep trying to figure out if I should do that.  It’s hard to know what the best thing to do is.

Any advice?

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One Response to “Day 185”

  1. jennie Rader July 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

    Advice from Rader crew….pray and wait. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but worked for us!

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