Day 171

19 Jun

I’ve decided, after calling myself a “non-reader”, that it’s simply not true.  I just can’t/won’t/don’t read much that requires a lot of thought and attention.  I think I’ve read about 6 or so books in the last 3 months.  Incredible.  I also think they were all young adult fiction.  Go figure. 

It has made me think about how my teenage years were, though.

I know there’s a lot of “letters to my 16-year-old self” in various forms out there in the ethers already, and I don’t really want to do that kind of thing anyway.  But I do sometimes try to remember what I was like slightly less than a decade ago.  Who was I; what did I think about; how did I survive with all those catastrophic emotions constantly running through me?  

I was such a mess for so long.  I was a true mess until just a year or so ago.  I’m still pretty sticky most of the time, in one way or another.  But I can’t remember much from when I was in high school.  I remember some of the more painful moments and probably some of the happiest ones, but a lot of the years 13-18 are kind of a giant blur.  Not because I was partying so much I was constantly blacked out, but more because I was such a blob of tears and angst that I was barely functioning.  I was constantly so scared of so many things that I’m surprised I didn’t simply keel over out of sheer exhaustion and fear.

What would I tell my 16-year-old self?  

Things’ll get better?  You’ll make it even if it feels like you won’t?  One day you won’t feel this crushing, all-consuming blackness that is so painful you can’t stand to stay awake sometimes?  Maybe.

Or maybe I’d just tell myself that life’s scary and always will be for you.  That it’s hard and takes more work than feels necessary for you.  That it’s okay to be this way.  You were made this way.  Maybe not for a reason, maybe not for anything good that you can ever understand, but you were surely made this way on purpose.  YOU were on purpose.  Even if you never feels that way, you were.

Or maybe I’d just flip my younger self off.  I was also kind of a bitch.

In so many, many ways, I’m glad those years are behind me.  I’d drench them in gasoline and flick a lit match at them if I had the chance.  I feel like now, as I enter my “mid-twenties”, I’m finally finding some closure from the wounds of childhood.  I’m finally starting to feel like I’m growing up.  Like I’ll be able to say with a straight face one day that I am, in fact, an adult.  Not a girl but a woman. 

That will be weird.

If it actually happens, that is.

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One Response to “Day 171”

  1. rebekahkayosborn June 20, 2012 at 8:24 am #

    i think reading ANYthing is good for you. i read a ton of YA fiction too. no shame! lately my strategy is to read through some YA series, and intersperse it with “real” literature. whatever that means. 🙂

    reading is good for your mind, and whatever you’re reading, it’s better for you than watching the same amount of tv, i think.

    AND, i don’t know when i will truly feel like an adult, either. i mean, i have a child and another on the way. you’d think it would be now if ever.

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