Day 155

3 Jun

I don’t feel like much today.  I’ve realized– you know, since I’m so much smarter now that I’ve turned 25 and all– that my emotions are fairly cyclical:  I have times of peace and high self-esteem; and then times of alienation and paranoia.  And, admittedly, a lot of in-between times that are just okay.  I probably live most of my life at “okay”, and that’s a good place to be usually (if not somewhat dissatisfying for a dramatic like myself).  But, now, here I am back in a low.  A place of feeling like I don’t fit in and never have.  Like I don’t understand social contracts or the unspoken rules of relationships.  A place that doesn’t feel good.

So I went to the Y.  Because I didn’t think I could.  So i just did.  And I’m probably going to live that way for the next little while:  feeling like I can’t do anything, but just doing it anyway.  It’s one of those “just keep swimming… even though you feel like you’re drowning in a sea of dispair and angst” times.  I wish I never had these kinds of times, but I do.  And I’m here again.  And it’s probably because of my birthday.

Did I ever mention that my birthday makes me a little sad?  I don’t mind getting older; things have gotten better for me the older I’ve gotten so far, so I kind of like it.  But I don’t like to be reminded of the time my mom had me; that she didn’t tell many people about me; that she didn’t want to keep me; that she changed her mind and some couple wasn’t able to adopt me; that I don’t know who my father is.  Those things are commemorated, too.  And they don’t change with the passing of a year; those facts will always be the same.  No matter how old I get, my mom will have always gotten pregnant; I will have always been born in southern Illinois; I will have always been a surprise to my grandparents.

So in the midst of celebrating being loved by my family and friends, I remember these things too.  And my heart will always be a little sad on my birthday. 

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One Response to “Day 155”

  1. Crazed Woman June 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Hope you’re okay – Missing your funky views and thoughts

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