Day 88

28 Mar

I’m thinking a lot about shame today.  Shame and guilt and embarrassment:  The Trinity of Shitty Feelings, as I call them.

It’s really incredible the kinds of things we’re ashamed of.  Family, income, religion, abilities.  Specifically, I have always felt so, so ashamed, embarrassed, and, sometimes, even guilty about not “having” a dad.  I’ve always been upfront with the fact, but I always blush when stating or explaining it.  I feel like I might’ve had a shot at “normal” had it not been for this one little thing.

But why do I feel shame for something I had no control over?  Did I choose to grow up in a single parent household?  No.  Did I make my mom not tell my dad about me?  Nope.  Could I have even done anything to prevent or change this kind of situation?  Uh, no way.  

But I’m still embarrassed about it because I’m different.  Because it’s something that comes up fairly often (less so as I’ve gotten older).  Because explanations aren’t always understood the first time.  Because I might have to remind you that I grew up with only my mom when we’re talking about our lives.

I really hope that one day it will matter less or not at all.  I’m learning that I am worthy even if I don’t fit into the norm.  I’m worth getting to know even if my story’s kind of tricky.  I’m more than this great lacking relationship.  I’m more than my shame makes me feel.

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