Day 87

27 Mar

I live in a really strange world.  One where women mostly deliver naturally (or try to) and breastfeed and stay home (sometimes part-time, sometimes full-time).  Where everyone I know is a Christian and generally “conservative” or “reformed” or “orthodox”.  Where couples use “Natural Family Planning” and have lots of kids (not necessarily related, mind you!).  Where, at times, everyone else seems to have it together even when they’re broken like I am.

Moms make kombucha and kefir and yogurt and bread and everything else by hand.  Dads are involved with their kids.  Women are rarely single, and there are even fewer single men.  And everyone lives or works downtown.

Why do I keep telling myself this is normal?  Some parts of it are beautiful, of course, but not all of it is representative of even this city as a whole, let alone the whole country or world.  Some of the things I perceive aren’t even true.  Some of it comes from an ugly place.  

Sometimes I can’t keep from comparing myself to others who I deem to have “made it” or have “it” together.  What does that even mean?  I guess I just want to find that one thing that I can do or whatever that will make me feel like I’ve done the right thing.  Like I can look at my life and say, “Yes, I did it; I did blank!”  

Or maybe I’ll just keep trying to make yogurt at home.

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4 Responses to “Day 87”

  1. Faith March 27, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

    Don’t use natural family planning….not sure about a lot of kids….realizing more and more how much i DONT have it together – even though I sure try my hardest….what is kombucha?…kefir is gross…never made yogurt….don’t live downtown…hmmmm….guess i’m in your shoes too, sister. 🙂

  2. tcatch22 March 27, 2012 at 11:17 pm #

    I’m really struck by the tendency of people reading this post to start ticking off attributes that do or don’t apply to them as well when… I simply want to stand up and cheer for your honest and open admission to feeling broken and not “normal,” even as you’re struggling to reach the reality that those lifestyles/cultures aren’t normalcy either.

    Because this confused declaration — this realization of how strange this world is a fundamental truth, I really do think, about how everyone would ultimately feel if one’s identity is based on a certain lifestyle or a set of conditions for “the (near) perfect life.” Even someone who might fit the descriptions you listed to a tee…I wouldn’t be surprised at all if they share your sentiment that “at times, everyone else seems to have it together even when they’re broken like I am.”

    So to hell with these lists. You’re living your life in the most faithful way you can. Onwards!

    • adellamae March 31, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

      It’s really quite lovely and freeing to realize everyone feels broken from time to time.

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