Day 72

12 Mar

I’m a lot of things that I wish I wasn’t; parts of me that I’m unexplainable ashamed of. I wish I was brave and strong, full of faith and able to persevere. But I’m not. I’m weak and scared, often quitting tasks that seem too hard or long.

And I’m embarrassed because I cry a lot. Because I cry in front of people a lot more than I’d like. Because I can rarely keep my chin up and march forward. Because, recently, there are many more days that I would rather spend crying in bed than caring for my lovely babies or even seeing them. Because, as much as I sometimes fantasize that I was still as desensitized and “unemotional” and cynical and callous as I once was, I am simply very sensitive. Maybe even overemotional, oversensitive.

And I am tired. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I truly understood what it means to lean on the Lord in my weakness; to believe that in my weakness, Christ’s strength is made perfect. But I simply feel… unable. I pray. I try. But I also quit. And I just don’t understand how to do it.

Many days, I think I might be better suited to Buddhism or Hinduism; with an ultimate goal of annihilation, to cease being. I really just don’t know how to be hopeful.

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One Response to “Day 72”

  1. rebekahkayosborn March 13, 2012 at 11:23 am #

    I cried so much at church one year, that almost every Sunday at least one woman would come up to me and thank me for my tears. It wasn’t very comforting, but I think we need examples of weakness, especially in this culture that values having your shit together above all else.

    Lately, I keep thinking or hoping that when Christ’s strength is made perfect in my weakness, that means that the feeling of inability will go away because I can all of a sudden do the things I want/need to do. But I’m not sure that’s the way it works. But in the weakness, in the sadness, remember or try to remember the vast love and grace of God. He doesn’t need your action to act on your behalf and He doesn’t need your prayers to speak to you.

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