Day 68

8 Mar

Today has been hard to get through without sobbing uncontrollably every chance I get.  I think everything has just been weighing on me and starting to feel like too much.  I think it started at the beginning of this month (a few short week ago…) when, for the first time in a long time, it became apparent that we were not going to have enough for our mortgage payment.  

But it’s not like we didn’t have ANY money; it just had to come out of savings.  And the only money that ever goes into our savings account is our tax refund once a year.  And then we take out as we need throughout the year but generally try not to touch it.  Something about knowing that if we didn’t get a large refund the year before, and so had no money or not enough money in savings to cover our tiny mortgage payment, we would’ve had to borrow/get money from family or our church.  But that’s not what happened; I transfered money from one account to another, it was fine, everyone got to eat and have a house.  DONE.

But this made me realize a couple of things:  Joe doesn’t make that much money (duh); and we should probably try to change that.  However, I’m a fatalist.  I feel like we’re probably stuck in this situation for… ever?  What could possibly change?  Maybe one day Joe’ll get a job that pays real money instead the Monopoly money he currently makes.  Or maybe I’ll get a job and we’ll become a dual-income, working-poor family.  There just seem to be so few real solutions; or, maybe I just want easy and fast solutions.  Or maybe we’ve been scraping by for so long now that I don’t think we’ll ever get out of it.

I know everyone feels the weight of money.  I know it’s something everyone has to be, at the very least, aware of if not worried about.  This, for me, though, is simply another thing that I have swirling around me that I feel out of control of.

Money, fertility, choices, time off, forgiveness, nap-time, bedtime, breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I know some things I am able to change and do something that makes a difference, but I feel trapped beneath everything else.  

 

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2 Responses to “Day 68”

  1. rebekahkayosborn March 8, 2012 at 9:43 pm #

    dude.

    yep.

    totally there.

    i feel optimistic some days. and then the others…most of them, i feel fatalistic. how come jesus can’t be the most real part of my life?

  2. Crazed Woman March 8, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    I’m in my 50’s…and I look back to my 20s as the most raw and rough years of my life…far worse than being a teenager, without a doubt. I say this to you so you realize it definitely gets better – much better. Never easy, but never ever ever again that raw and ugly. Reading your words reminds me of myself when I was younger. I re-read my old journals and they sound much like what you say. Looking back, it is a wonder I made it through without melting down. But, the human spirit is tough and resilient – and you just have to keep going, one day after another. It really truly will get better.

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