Day 65!

5 Mar

Today I feel like “failure” could be my middle name; or perhaps is what I am made up of at a molecular level.  (Ah, and here we come again to my tried and true area of expertise:  rejection.)  Somehow, these two things are intertwined forever for me:  rejection and failure.  2getha 4eva.

The times when I feel like I didn’t quite do everything just right, or the times when I feel like I did nothing at all right; these are the lowest periods for me.  When I look at myself unforgivingly, unable to see past the fog of loathe for self.  I am, apparently, really hard on myself.  

And that’s weird for me to admit.  I think if you’d have asked me before today if I was able to forgive myself, I’d’ve said yes.  Of course!  I’m breezy!  Nonchalant!  Just slouching against a wall!  Whatevs.  I’m totally able to give myself grace!  Of course.

But I think I suck if my kid doesn’t listen to me when I ask her to climb down from the play place at McDonald’s.  I suck if I can’t make dinner on time.  I suck if I don’t make awesome first impressions or clean my house just right or know the answer to that question you asked that wasn’t even important.  I kid myself thinking I am anything but a perfectionist dying to finally do something perfectly.  Just once.  Please.

I guess I’m worth more than my last parenting/cooking/housekeeping/knowledge-based mistake.  I’m more than just those parts.  I’m not ever going to be perfect– which hurts.  Bad, sometimes.

God, I hope you love me.  I’m afraid not even I love myself most of the time…

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One Response to “Day 65!”

  1. Mallorie March 5, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    I could start a club with you on this one! Grest blog, way to stick with it!

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