Day 19

19 Jan

Dear Dad,

Yesterday’s post/realization still really bums me out.  I guess philosophically I believe that only Jesus can save me, but maybe I keep hoping I’ll find something here and now that will do it, too.  Something that will save me from what exactly?  Just that gaping hole that we all have that’ll only be totally and completely filled when the world is new and Christ has come again.  But I still cling to the idea that maybe something could fill it… and nothing can.  So disappointing.

The other night I was talking about how my mom has a master’s degree and both of Joe’s mom has a master’s too (and I think I thought his dad did, but actually I don’t think that’s true).  But it made me think about the value of education/how elitist I am about education (or, rather, people who have a “lack” of higher education).  Then that made me think of you.  I wonder what you do for a living and what kind of person you are?

More importantly, I wonder if I’ll just look down on you if you’ve only got a high school education (which, as I’m writing this, I realize is almost definitely not true as you and my mom met in college… but maybe you didn’t finish?  I guess you’d still have some college to your name, though… anyway…)?  I wonder if you work at a “blue collar” job and that I’ll somehow not be able to deal with that?

It seems obvious to me that there’s a lot of judgmental junk that I carry in my heart.  And, lucky you, you’ll probably bear the brunt of it.

It’s times like this that I think meeting you might be a mistake.  Like maybe I can’t handle what the truth of who you are as a person means for me.  Like you won’t be good enough for me.  And maybe I have expectations that I can’t even name yet that you won’t possibly live up to.

Who knew someone you’ve never met and rarely thought about would have so many expectations placed upon him?

Sorry I’m judge-y,

AM

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