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15 Jan

Dear Dad,

I am a highly anxious person highly prone to worrying. Yesterday and today Lazarus had a fever. Zoe was never in her baby life sick, so for him to be so little at 9 months, it really freaked me out.

Well, at first I was okay. But then my MIL was over yesterday when I first noticed his fever, and she was ready to take him into the hospital (not entirely true, but she does have a tendency to be even more worried than I am). And I’m reading a book on vaccinations that describes the different illnesses that the various shots ward against. Almost all of them start out with cold-like symptoms and fever. HELLO! Don’t kids just constantly have cold-like symptoms?! Anyway, I worry even though my gut tells me not to.

I used to get really scared when Zoe was a baby that she would die suddenly of SIDS. (Do babies die “of” SIDS? Is there a different word that should be used there?) Every time she would sleep for longer periods of time, I would think she was dead. One day, when debating whether or not I should go to check on her, I asked Joe what he thought. He said something like, “Well, if you check on her and wake her up, you’ll feel bad about that and wish she was still sleeping; but if she’s dead, she’s already dead and there’s nothing you or I could do about it now.” This may seem absurd, but that really comforted me. I guess just knowing that if it was done, it was already done and there was no fixing it now.

Which is why, generally in life, I am a fatalist. I don’t think there’s any point in doing much because if it was going to happen, it’s going to happen no matter what I do or don’t do.

Okay, I guess I used to be a fatalist. Because, after all, I am searching you out and putting effort into thinking about what I want to do in this situation and about the different outcomes. So, that’s not very fatalistic, I suppose.

I wonder what I’ll think of you if I meet you? I wonder if I’ll just write you off and think you’re lame? I wonder what in the world it is like to get to know your father as a grown adult?

You have 351 more of these “coming” to “you”;
AM

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