Day 10 is here

10 Jan

Dear Dad,

I’ve been in counseling for a while now. It’s been a life-changing experience in so much as my life is not like it was before I started going. (Was that too obvious?) It’s really funny, though, because I feel like I’ve been asked a lot how not having a dad has affected me (in life in general and counseling in specific), and I’ve always had trouble answering.

I guess it’s a hard question to answer because it asks me to compare the only way I’ve ever lived life (without a male head-of-household of really any type) to a way that I’ve never experienced. It’s like asking a turtle how not being able to fly has affected him. Unless turtles used to be able to fly? I’m really bad at evolution…

Anyway, it’s weird to think about because it is so difficult to think of the things that I must have missed. And I think I’ve said before, if only incredibly vaguely, that my mom was not awesome when I was growing up.  She had/has issues that made it so I never felt wanted and rarely loved.  So that affected me.  Her being who she was as a mother and the fact that I never felt convinced that she actually meant to have me and keep me affected me.  But some dude not knowing about me because my mom decided not to tell him?  Well, okay.

How does that make YOU feel?  It never me feel anything but angrier at my mom.  Like maybe this guy could’ve loved me, right?  And here I am back at an idolized, fictional (because I’ve obviously never had a nonfictional) version of you.  You could’ve been worse.  You could’ve told me you never wanted me.  Or, hey, maybe you’ll get the chance to do that someday soon here!

I guess that is the focal point of my soul:  rejection.  Because I believe I’ve written about that here already, and I’ll probably write about it over and over again.  I will honestly be more shocked if I am accepted than if I am rejected.  By you.  By anyone.  That’s where I’m at right now.  Generally, I think I am good at what I do (staying home, cooking, taking care of my babies, being funny), but I don’t think most people– you included, of course— will accept me just the way I am.

Luckily, I have been accepted and loved for who I am, just the way I am (read: CRAZY), but just enough people that I believe it can happen.  I also truly, in my little black heart, believe that Jesus loves me in this way that no one else quite does.  And it’s God that I can count on to love me no matter what.  But that’s also ethereal and doesn’t always do the trick to calm my anxious mind when I think about my crazy life and contacting you( you, random man, you) to tell you that I am from you.  We’re intrinsically a part of one another and, hey, what do you think of that?

That was kind of a lot.

Hope you can deal with it one day,

AM

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