Day 4

4 Jan

Dear Dad,

I’m meeting with someone tomorrow to get some advice on how to contact you for the first time.  My husband made the suggestion of a certified letter so I could have confirmation that it got to “you” (the “you” I am going to mail it to anyway, right?).  I’m not putting a strict timeline on myself (although, maybe I should?), but I’d like to send a letter sometime this year.  Is that vague enough?

Actually, I feel like this is a bigger emotional hurdle for me than I first imagined.  It’s really scary thinking about your reaction and how you’ll receive the news of me.  And it makes me realize what a HUGE role rejection (including the fear of, of course) has played in my life and the things I’ve been willing and unwilling to do.  For a long time, the fear of rejection has kept me from trying new things, meeting new people, or even being passionate about much.  As for you, dear daddy, I waver between two extremes:  being terrified that you will reject me in a very painful way (say, publicly?  somehow?); and being equally anxious at the idea that you will not only accept me but WANT me too.

So most of me kind of hopes I send a letter one day, and it just gets lost.  Or you never respond.  And then I can go on not knowing your reaction and be okay with it.

 

Until tomorrow,

AM

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One Response to “Day 4”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Day 10 is here « Hello, Hernandez. - January 10, 2012

    […] that is the focal point of my soul:  rejection.  Because I believe I’ve written about that here already, and I’ll probably write about it over and over again.  I will honestly be more […]

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